Southern Humor

Tues. Aug 16

Hello again! My friend Laura is from the Southern states (Arkansas) and
she sent this to me so i can understand a bit of Southern humor. If you
don't get it all, that's ok because I didn't get all of it either. But
it's still fun to laugh at. Have fun:

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving
to
the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you
adapt
to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens
The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt..
In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men
in a
four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't
try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live
for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
store....do
not buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's"
is
plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to
use
it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They
can't
understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck
or
"big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect
this
way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should
stay
out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store.
It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go
there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns,
they
are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn
is
to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will
accept
them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we
wouldn't call 'em biscuits.